Part of my story: Conservative Laestadianism

Many who are reading this and understands only English parts of my blog probably won't know what conservative Laestadianism really is. I would define it as a sect of Lutheran church.
To say the basics, they believe that god forgives you as long as you believe in him. To be really really simple.

To make it more complicate, they do not allow rhythmic music, movies, television, revealing clothing, birth control in its any forms, premarital sex (no even kissing or living together before marriage). Those are the rules that defines many people lives. It's big sect in Finland compared to how little people lives in here. And these people can be found from Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Russia, United Kingdom, United states, Germany, Canada... List goes on and on. There is one big congregation every year, called "suviseurat" or summer service. It is in midsummer, in the end of June or in the beginning of July.

The thing they are now been known, are pedophilia cases. It's not the point in the religion, it's a sin. But the way they have treated their victims is the thing that has roused the conversation. They ask forgiveness from their victims. And because of their beliefs, if someone asks forgiveness, you need to forgive, no matter what. And after forgiving, you are not allowed to speak it to anyone. That is what has happened.

Other thing they are known of, is turning their backs to people who leave their believes or have guts to criticize the community from inside. No greeting, nor any other kind of interacting with them. I know many cases where child has been forced to leave their home, while still being a minor.

To say, I'm lucky that it wasn't how my parents see things. Because you might have noticed, I know a lot, but I still speak about "them". I am one of those who left the community. I years ago said, that because of leaving, there has happened nothing to me. Well, know I know that it, after all, was a lie. And big, fat one.

Many people, whom I thought as my friends, no longer greet me if we meet on the street. They in all quietness have deleted me from their Facebook friends and even if they are around someone who knows me as well and others come and talk to me, they won't. It does hurt and indeed, it hurts very deep. But when it comes to relatives, my all four grandparents have taken it well. And all of my relatives from my father's side. But not from mother's. Those cousins I used to play with when I was little, those cousins we had so many conversations while growing up, while being pre-teens. No longer they want to talk with me. They look me like I'm worthless. Like there's something wrong with me. And I can tell you, that it annoys me, but it also hurts me.

I left Laestadianism when I were 12. I were bullied because of it, but it wasn't the only reason why I left it. I have been bullied from so many things that I wouldn't be even alive if I would make everything so they couldn't no longer bully me. But back to the story. First I started to watch movies with my sisters and my brother. Then I started to listen the forbidden music. And by time, I started to question that if the way they believe is truly the right thing. And you can guess what happened after finding out of pedophilia cases. Even the last drop of that childish belief were gone. After that I have been wondering, what is it that I believe in.

After many many sleepless nights later, I finally realized, that there indeed is a god, but it doesn't matter how I live. We all are sinners in front of our God. All you need to do, is to believe. I found my way to main church of this country, Lutheran church. It pretty much presents what I believe in.

I didn't mean this post to be something like "you need to believe the way I do to get into heaven." It's not the truth. You need to believe in what you believe. Our beliefs (or lack of them) are part of who we are. We are not supposed to tell other people how to live or that their god or gods are wrong. I don't care if you believe in viking gods, if you are catholic, if you are Muslim, if you present Buddhism. All I care about is, if there are any good parts inside of you. If you are happy, if you can stick in what you believe is right and what is wrong. If you can't be proud of your religion, you belong in wrong one. If you don't feel happy about it. If you always question if this really is the way is supposed to be.

The teaching of this? There aren't always infinite truth or lie. Everything lies between and nowhere. The way we are supposed to live, is in our hearts. Only by searching we can finally find what and who we are.