Disappeared

So, I'm not at school for a moment. Won't be going back until autumn. 

The reason?

Suicide attempt.

Whoever who knows me in real life, you can come to speak to me but do not tell to anyone. Because even if i write it into my blog it's still private thing and i don't want everybody to know and judge me and pity me because of it. 

I was hospitalized on may 1st. The next night and morning i spent in hospital, put into all kind of monitors and putting charcoal into my body. 

And then i was discharged into youth psych ward for 7 days.

Now today, on 12th May they discharged me completely from psych ward from inpatient care, but I'm expected to go see psychologist, after finding someone i like. 

I'm not going into public mental health anymore.

It didn't help me before attempt and i'm sure as hell it won't help me after. So I'll use my insurance and find some good one.

My room at ward. Pretty plain because
we weren't allowed to have lots of stuff
laying around our room

I was a ball of broken mess before attempting suicide. I've been suicidal for years. 

I cut. I purge. I keep myself to awake. I watch scary and disgusting things just to feel something. I have very bad ways to cope with this world.

So, before i attempted i was off from school over a week, just going in for a one day. But being at school was horrible, i couldn't take it.

And when Friday, 1st of May came, I was horrified go back to school. And I binged and purged over five times during that day.

I cut deeper than I ever had before. Got stitches, by the way. Never been that bad before.

And I also saw my relatives that day. They reminded me about my grandpa's death.

I have been depressed for years. Probably over 10 years. But I know it started because of being bullied very badly. 

And in this spring I got medication for that but it apparently didn't help. Or it didn't have time to help.

Things just came too much to handle. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm kinda disappointed I failed my attempt and that people keep me on eye so I can't do it any time soon again.

I'm just too tired.

view out of my window

And numb.

Life seems so meaningless it scares me.

But right now I don't any other options than get by.

But one thing I'm sure of. 

Life sucks. A lot.

Anyone who says otherwise are lying to themselves. 

And yes, I know life wasn't meant to be easy but to some people life is just way too much.

I'm not telling this, writing this here because I want some attention or am that desperate. 

I just wish that people who has went through same could maybe realize they aren't only ones.

Meeting those people on psych ward was great thing. It reminded me that I'm definitely not alone, even when it feels like it. 

And it's just hard to speak about it with someone who haven't gone through something similar. It feels like they don't understand.

Maybe they want to understand but without going through something like that, it's almost mission impossible.