Studying and going crazy

I'm trying to finish my courses that I couldn't finish during the last term. And specially calculus is real pain in the ass at the moment. So I bet everyone understands why I haven't been updating for a long while.

If you want to help me out a little bit, and you are still studying something, please go and fill this form. It's a small form for my English course, so not anything super scientific study. It's about studying motivation and future, and I'm going to watch all answers on next week. Hopefully I have by then enough answers so I can complete my English course.

To all of those enjoying summer holiday, hopefully you don't need to do school work as well! Enjoy all of the rare sunny days, it's gonna be cold winter soon again. "Winter is coming."

Disappeared

So, I'm not at school for a moment. Won't be going back until autumn. 

The reason?

Suicide attempt.

Whoever who knows me in real life, you can come to speak to me but do not tell to anyone. Because even if i write it into my blog it's still private thing and i don't want everybody to know and judge me and pity me because of it. 

I was hospitalized on may 1st. The next night and morning i spent in hospital, put into all kind of monitors and putting charcoal into my body. 

And then i was discharged into youth psych ward for 7 days.

Now today, on 12th May they discharged me completely from psych ward from inpatient care, but I'm expected to go see psychologist, after finding someone i like. 

I'm not going into public mental health anymore.

It didn't help me before attempt and i'm sure as hell it won't help me after. So I'll use my insurance and find some good one.

My room at ward. Pretty plain because
we weren't allowed to have lots of stuff
laying around our room

I was a ball of broken mess before attempting suicide. I've been suicidal for years. 

I cut. I purge. I keep myself to awake. I watch scary and disgusting things just to feel something. I have very bad ways to cope with this world.

So, before i attempted i was off from school over a week, just going in for a one day. But being at school was horrible, i couldn't take it.

And when Friday, 1st of May came, I was horrified go back to school. And I binged and purged over five times during that day.

I cut deeper than I ever had before. Got stitches, by the way. Never been that bad before.

And I also saw my relatives that day. They reminded me about my grandpa's death.

I have been depressed for years. Probably over 10 years. But I know it started because of being bullied very badly. 

And in this spring I got medication for that but it apparently didn't help. Or it didn't have time to help.

Things just came too much to handle. 

I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm kinda disappointed I failed my attempt and that people keep me on eye so I can't do it any time soon again.

I'm just too tired.

view out of my window

And numb.

Life seems so meaningless it scares me.

But right now I don't any other options than get by.

But one thing I'm sure of. 

Life sucks. A lot.

Anyone who says otherwise are lying to themselves. 

And yes, I know life wasn't meant to be easy but to some people life is just way too much.

I'm not telling this, writing this here because I want some attention or am that desperate. 

I just wish that people who has went through same could maybe realize they aren't only ones.

Meeting those people on psych ward was great thing. It reminded me that I'm definitely not alone, even when it feels like it. 

And it's just hard to speak about it with someone who haven't gone through something similar. It feels like they don't understand.

Maybe they want to understand but without going through something like that, it's almost mission impossible.

Part of my story: Conservative Laestadianism

Many who are reading this and understands only English parts of my blog probably won't know what conservative Laestadianism really is. I would define it as a sect of Lutheran church.
To say the basics, they believe that god forgives you as long as you believe in him. To be really really simple.

To make it more complicate, they do not allow rhythmic music, movies, television, revealing clothing, birth control in its any forms, premarital sex (no even kissing or living together before marriage). Those are the rules that defines many people lives. It's big sect in Finland compared to how little people lives in here. And these people can be found from Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Russia, United Kingdom, United states, Germany, Canada... List goes on and on. There is one big congregation every year, called "suviseurat" or summer service. It is in midsummer, in the end of June or in the beginning of July.

The thing they are now been known, are pedophilia cases. It's not the point in the religion, it's a sin. But the way they have treated their victims is the thing that has roused the conversation. They ask forgiveness from their victims. And because of their beliefs, if someone asks forgiveness, you need to forgive, no matter what. And after forgiving, you are not allowed to speak it to anyone. That is what has happened.

Other thing they are known of, is turning their backs to people who leave their believes or have guts to criticize the community from inside. No greeting, nor any other kind of interacting with them. I know many cases where child has been forced to leave their home, while still being a minor.

To say, I'm lucky that it wasn't how my parents see things. Because you might have noticed, I know a lot, but I still speak about "them". I am one of those who left the community. I years ago said, that because of leaving, there has happened nothing to me. Well, know I know that it, after all, was a lie. And big, fat one.

Many people, whom I thought as my friends, no longer greet me if we meet on the street. They in all quietness have deleted me from their Facebook friends and even if they are around someone who knows me as well and others come and talk to me, they won't. It does hurt and indeed, it hurts very deep. But when it comes to relatives, my all four grandparents have taken it well. And all of my relatives from my father's side. But not from mother's. Those cousins I used to play with when I was little, those cousins we had so many conversations while growing up, while being pre-teens. No longer they want to talk with me. They look me like I'm worthless. Like there's something wrong with me. And I can tell you, that it annoys me, but it also hurts me.

I left Laestadianism when I were 12. I were bullied because of it, but it wasn't the only reason why I left it. I have been bullied from so many things that I wouldn't be even alive if I would make everything so they couldn't no longer bully me. But back to the story. First I started to watch movies with my sisters and my brother. Then I started to listen the forbidden music. And by time, I started to question that if the way they believe is truly the right thing. And you can guess what happened after finding out of pedophilia cases. Even the last drop of that childish belief were gone. After that I have been wondering, what is it that I believe in.

After many many sleepless nights later, I finally realized, that there indeed is a god, but it doesn't matter how I live. We all are sinners in front of our God. All you need to do, is to believe. I found my way to main church of this country, Lutheran church. It pretty much presents what I believe in.

I didn't mean this post to be something like "you need to believe the way I do to get into heaven." It's not the truth. You need to believe in what you believe. Our beliefs (or lack of them) are part of who we are. We are not supposed to tell other people how to live or that their god or gods are wrong. I don't care if you believe in viking gods, if you are catholic, if you are Muslim, if you present Buddhism. All I care about is, if there are any good parts inside of you. If you are happy, if you can stick in what you believe is right and what is wrong. If you can't be proud of your religion, you belong in wrong one. If you don't feel happy about it. If you always question if this really is the way is supposed to be.

The teaching of this? There aren't always infinite truth or lie. Everything lies between and nowhere. The way we are supposed to live, is in our hearts. Only by searching we can finally find what and who we are.

50 random facts about me again

I once did this in Finnish, two years ago. This time I'm doing this in English. Just a warning, these aren't in any logical order.

1. I want to travel across the globe

2. I speak 4 languages, Finnish, English, Swedish, German and little bit Russian.

3. I still want to learn more languages

4. I have no idea where I'm going to be after 10 years, I don't even know about next 1 and a half year

5. I'm sure I'm going to have a year aboard before starting university (not sure about country, but probably UK)

6. I don't hate my past anymore. It led me where I am right now

7. Once I spoke a lot of school bullying. Well I'm not going to anymore, because it's just part of my past. It's impossible to change my past

8. I've got most amazing friends that I can nowadays trust

9. I don't know what to do without music. It takes up most of my time

10. It's easy to get me smile a little, but it's hard to get me to genuinely laughing or saying those three little words "I love you". When I say it, I mean it.

11. I'm not very social person, but I'm not anti-social either

12. I love meaningful conversations. Doesn't matter what it is about, politics, religion, books, music or movies, as long as I can have nice conversation with interesting person

13. I admire people who aren't afraid to disagree

14. I'm winter person. I don't care about cold, view full of snow is beautiful, and without that winter I can't go down-hill skiing.

15. I were born during snow storm, the 29th January 1998, around ten o'clock in the evening

16. Even though Finnish music is melancholic, I love how it holds so many meanings in few words

17. I'm not morning person. I hate mornings and love nights

18. I have insomnia. It's hard for me to fall asleep, but I won't take any medication to it

19. I already eat fucking many drugs to my asthma

20. I started to play violin this autumn, but I suck at it

21. And I won't continue it, even though it's nice. Got no time and money for that anymore

22. My first part of finals is nearing and I should be reading for that instead of writing this post

23. I have fear of heights but I still love being in high places

24. Nothing feels better than winning your own fears and limits

25. And second best feeling is complete something that others told you to be impossible

26. What is better scenery than -20 degrees, campfire next to frozen Inari lake and northern lights?

27. I'm not really outdoor person

28. But I still would love to know how to handle dog or reindeer team.

29. Obviously, I love writing

30. And also drawing, but those drawings will never end up being published

31. I'm a gamer girl. Online games are my addiction.

32. Right now I'm addicted to League of Angels

33. Right now I'm running out of what to say. I feel like I'm repeating things I told in first fact post in 2013.

34. I just realized I'm gonna graduate next year! This is fucking weird feeling.

35. I'm also going to be 18 next year. What it brings with it, I still don't know. Can't wait it tho!

36. Right now playing is Enrigque Iglesias - Hero

37. During this year I haven't felt myself lonely. Yes, It's second day of this year!

38. This bookworm haven't read even a single book (apart school books) for three weeks. This must be record.

39. Normally my room is in a mess because of all clothes and books on the floor

40. I have never read Harry Potter, only seen the movies. Maybe time to read them and start with original language this summer?

41. Why I am listening only love songs right now? I have about 1000 songs in my phone and only 1% of them are love songs and still those are the ones I'm listening.

42. I haven't cut after ninth grade. To over 2 years.

43. And that's something to be proud of. 

44. I bought myself running shoes but haven't really used them. Swimming, biking, down-hill skiing and skating are more my thing

45. Today I got angry to English because I can't actually describe the weather back here. There's only one word that I know for snow. Seriously. Only one! In Finnish there are plenty more, not to mentioning the Inuit language. So English, WHY?

46. English is starting to come automatic to me. I no longer can translate everything that I say and sometimes I start to speak about something, but don't know the word in Finnish anymore.

47. It has been long almost 17 years, but right now I'm just starting to figure out what life is supposed to go.

48. "Don't fear death, fear unlived life" 

49. I have found out that to be loved you need only courage to try.

50. 

Way up high or down low

It were weird, busy, good, lively, sad and very emotional year, but when i gather together all memories, I can say that I am right now happiest than I have ever been.

I have awesome friends, from school and outside of it -yes, I know some of you are actually reading this- and I might or might not found someone to love. From the last one I'm not so sure, I may end up heartbroken, but I'm ready to take the risk and play by the feeling. Who knows what future holds. 

But I definitely don't regret anything. Because every single thing led me where I am right now. And that is where I want to be. Not physically, but mentally. I'm ready to actually start to plan for my future, to make it look like me while still considering other people around me. I guess I have matured during year 2014. And I'm exited about what 2015 can bring in front of me.

I still don't know where I am after one and a half year, but one thing I know. I'm definitely ready to everything, and I can survive, no matter what. Right now I don't care if I end up to other country, to Lapland, to Turku or any city in the world. All I care about is that I have had happy times, that I have had reason to smile and laugh.

For this year I promise to try something new, to see something new, to feel something new.

To experience life like it should be experienced.

I no longer stay home while others are doing something. I no longer turn invitations down. 

And I promise that I'll try to forget the shitty past that I have. And if not to forget, to deal with it.

With this, I thank all of those people who know me in real life for being there and being part of my world and I wish to each and every single one of you really happy, laughter filled and memorable year 2015!