You'll never know where life might lead us

Gotta say everything didn't go as planned with my university studies.

I did not become a law student, probably because I was too lazy to read enough, after all.

So, I also did entrance exams to University of Jyväskylä to study German language and culture and teaching.

The weirdest part here?

I didn't study for that test. 

I read the material that was on the test during that morning, and had my test at 1pm.

Somehow I managed to get in and also fake in the interviews that I was motivated and capable of being a teacher.

And looks like I got in.

I don't know if it's my old dreams of studying in Germany haunting me or what, but this bachelor and master's program includes obligatory exchange in Germany. 

So looks like some dreams come true after all.

This last month I've been looking for myself an apartment, which I finally got from Jyväskylä's university student village, buying things I'll need while living there, going trough everything I own, applied for student money and student loan and housing benefit, the latest of which I still haven't got decision from Finnish Social Insurance institution.

But now everything looks like they are alright and I feel like I've got it all under control.

I'm alarmingly starting to feel like a real adult.

Never thought this day would come.

I'm moving out on 1.8.

School starts on 1.9 and I got to admit, I have no idea what on earth I've even got myself into.

I mean I really don't know what studying languages in university will be like and how much I'll have work to do to keep up with everyone else.

I suck at German, even tho I've studied it 5 years already. 

I'm going to be so dead before this year is over and I'm sure I'm going to regret accepting this place in this university.

But to be honest, I also think that I'm gonna love the next 5 years ahead of me, regardless of all the work and pain it's going to put me through.

Trying to cope with life

Last months has been crazy. 

Literally.

During these last three months I had time to fall in love with a person who needed me only for few seconds and therefore broke my heart into millions of pieces. 

I found a job that seemed perfect but was everything but perfect and I resigned. 

I studied hard for entrance exams and I gave up. (Tho did the exams but feel like I failed miserably) 

I graduated in time, literally against all odds considering that I spent quite a lot of time just crying and stressing and not actually doing anything. 

Now I have nothing to do and I started to write again. 

Let's see if it ever becomes anything but maybe it will fill my days with something to do so I don't need to be drinking to get at least few moments of fun into my life.

Or I'll have a problem with alcohol before this summer is over.

And I definitely don't want that.

I don't want more hangovers.

And I definitely don't need moral hangovers which come with the physical shitty feeling.

Now I no longer wonder why people say that summer after graduation is extremely hard.

At first it was relief having no school things to do during the holiday.

But now I would give my everything just to have the security of those routines. 

Security of knowing what to do at fall.

Right now I have nothing and it scares the hell out of me.

All I have is insomniac nights and days spent in a haze because I'm too tired to function.

I'm too tired to try anything.

And there's no point trying to find a new job because I don't know where I'll be at the autumn.

I have nothing left but hope and even hope has started to fade.

But it's only 14 days of complete uncertainty.

Then I can at least make new plans if I didn't get the place in university.

Contradictory

A month or two ago I was at the top of the world.

I had met this amazing guy and we had had couple awesome nights out with friend or just with the two of us. 

Time meant nothing to us and with him I felt like time didn't exist.

We didn't even talk about dating, neither of us wanted it. We wanted just to have fun.

What I'm about to tell has nothing to do with this guy. 

I just wanted to remind that there was a time I was happy and it wasn't long time ago.

Just  under a month ago I was on senior cruise and that time or that whole week belongs into top 10 times.

But something happened.

And I don't know what. 

John Green has kinda put that into words, I guess.

Maybe all the strings inside him broke

So, what am I talking about?

My depression came back.

I'm not sure if it ever even left

And it's incredibly hard to write those four words.

I still don't want to admit it.

I just want to be normal again.

But I don't even know what being normal is

I know I should go back to therapy.

But I have never found a therapist that I like, so it would be pointless.

And maybe all this shit is caused by the stress I'm having.

I don't have school, only books to study.

For matriculation exams and entrance exams.

So I don't really know what to do.

I don't want to be left alone but I don't want to be in company either

Being alone means that the demons will come to haunt me.

Being in company means I need to keep my shit together.

And I don't think I like either of the options.

Or maybe I'm afraid that I'll become a burden

This blog was never supposed to be a story of my depression.

But suddenly I feel like I need to share my thoughts a little.

Maybe people will remember that I'm not perfect.

And that I'm not being rude when I cancel plans or suddenly just show up.

I'm just consumed by my anxieties.

And it has nothing to do with other people.

This problem lies in me